Dear Christians: Could I Change Your Mind About Just One Little Thing?

I've given up trying to talk some sense into you on the big picture things. I've accepted you will insist on living your life in a spiritual Oedipus complex, convinced that there is some sort of super father figure in the sky to be feared keeping score on you, while secretly wishing Mary would give you attention that intense of a different sort. You will worship the father, the son, and the holy ghost and continue to claim yours is a monotheistic religion. You will believe a story about a chick getting pregnant without getting any penis, secretly thinking this still gives you a shot at being the first to slip her some, then mock those who seek to "awake from the sleep of ignorance." Fine. I wish I could talk you into not using those beliefs as cover for so much of the violence you seem hell bent on committing, but we may not be ready for that discussion just yet. You don't trust me and I treat you with all the special contempt I reserve only for the dangerously ignorant. It's time for a confidence building exercise, something we can both agree on. I propose this:

The Lord's Prayer is not a song. It's not. Please quit singing it.

If you doubt me make a tape recording of yourself reading the thing. Listen to the flow. The up and down rhythm of the words. That short, direct, rat-a-tat-tat cadence actually contributes to the message. A person who knows not a word of English can get the picture that you are submitting yourselves to something very important. As a poem, it works pretty well.

So why do you piss on it by trying to make it into a hymn? The non-English speaker who would be so impressed by your reading couldn't help but to hear this music for what it is; trying to cram a square peg Jesus into a round musical hole. It doesn't fit, and you can't make it. When you try, you succeed only in hurting my ears and making yourself look stupid(er)

You know what else makes you look stupid Christians? This guy:

Christian pediatrician denies child service because parents are tattooed

A family is turned away by a local pediatrician, they say because of the way they look.

The doctor said he is just following his beliefs, creating a Christian atmosphere for his patients.

Tasha Childress said it's discrimination.

She said Dr. Gary Merrill wouldn't treat her daughter for an ear infection because Tasha, the mother, has tattoos.

The writing is on the wall-literally: "This is a private office. Appearance and behavior standards apply."

For Dr. Gary Merrill of Christian Medical Services, that means no tattoos, body piercings, and a host of other requirements-all standards Merrill has set based upon his Christian faith.

I guess I do have a lot to learn about Christians. I had no idea Jesus only hung out with good looking, well groomed people. Maybe there is a place for me in this religion. I am pretty hot, in that clean-cut Republican looking way you people seem to find acceptable.

I'm not singing that damn prayer though.