The Washington Post reports at least two dozen former and current prisoners at Guantanamo Bay and elsewhere say they have been given drugs against their will or witnessed other inmates being drugged. The allegations have resurfaced after the release this month of a 2003 Justice Department memo that explicitly condoned the use of drugs on detainees. In the memo, former Justice Department lawyer John Yoo rejected a decades-old US ban on the use of “mind-altering substances” on prisoners. Instead, he argued that drugs could be used as long as they did not inflict permanent or “profound” psychological damage. Legal experts and human rights groups say that forced drugging of detainees for any nontherapeutic reasons would be a particularly grave breach of international treaties banning torture.
I have a plan to stop this. I call it "Operation Medco." All you torture lovin' Republicans out there never hesitate to tell me the private sector can do everything better than the government, so I say we put them in charge of managing the meds at Guantanamo:
"Thank you for calling the Medco torture line. Please note that due
to heavy call volume your wait time may be longer than usual. For answers to many common questions, please check out our website
at medco.torture.com. Your estimated wait time is 10 minutes."
40 minutes later one of those weird nasally voices every single help desk person seems to have nowdays comes on the line.
"Thank you for calling Medco Torture, my ID # is 3453215, may I have your NPI number?"
"Your Location?"
"First name?"
"First initial of your last name? Unless it is an "S", in which case you should say "C"
"Card holder number of the terrorist?"
"Group Number?"
"Date of birth?"
"How can I help you today?"
"Well I'm trying to do a claim for Ali-AlhussienCheney's haloperidol for his next scheduled interrogation session and I'm getting a reject message that says ALT;UIY;BUGGABUGGA#*(&%MARYSAMMONSPHARMACYMILF. Not quite sure what I'm doing wrong."
"Well I'll be happy to look into that for you. Is the terrorist with Al-Queda or a Shiite Militia?
"I think he just shot someone in the face while duck hunting"
"I see...." 5 minutes pass with only the sound of mad typing on a computer keyboard being heard.
"It looks like Mr. Ali-AlhusseinCheney has only been an official designated terrorist for 6 months. In that case Haloperidol can only be approved if two non-chemical means of torture have been tried and failed."
"I'm pretty sure they've waterboarded him and stuck a flashlight up his rectum already"
"Well if you can have his CIA handler call our special 1-800 number and forward the appropriate documentation to our Denver office, we will be happy to look at the claim."
In the meantime, the slow, steady, unhuman nasally sound of the helpdesk representative on the speakerphone has broken the spirit of Ali-AlhusseinCheney, who confesses that yes, he did shoot his lawyer in the face on purpose, and he has no regrets.
Operation Medco is a win-win for everyone. Drugmonkey saves the day.
