We have Diet Mountain Dew in the store! We have Diet Mountain Dew......in the store!!!! Oh happy day! Dear reader, I cannot begin to explain to you what this means to me. When I switched from regular Mountain Dew to Diet Mountain Dew I instantly lost 5 pounds, that's how much of the stuff I go though my friends. The artificial attempt at citrusiness that is Diet Mountain Dew is probably more a part of my life than my cat Spooky, and now, at last, I can buy it at work. I am free forever from the tyranny of Diet Pepsi. There was no way this could be a bad day.
I was in such a good mood on day one of the Diet Mountain Dew work era that when a customer complained that we had only one bottle of the "buy one get one free" hydrogen peroxide on the shelf I offered to just sell her the one we had for half price. I'm not supposed to do this. Official corpo-policy says to issue the customer a raincheck, but I was crazy on the dew, and putting people before policy.
"But what am I getting free?" was my reward. I spent the next 5 minutes trying to explain how 1 full price + 1 free = 1 at half price. It never sank in. The customer stormed out of the store. I don't say this very often, but maybe there is a reason for that corporate policy.
I could have asked my District Manager about this when he made one of his biannual visits to the store, except that he spent the entirety of it on his cellphone. I could have been grinding up Vicodin and snorting the powder off the pharmacy counter and the DM wouldn't have known. He did look in the pharmacy refrigerator while he was talking and say quickly to my keystone tech that we couldn't be keeping our food in there.
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"TODAY IS THE....???????" Said the elderly woman making out her check. She had been making out the check a good 2 or 3 minutes already.
"30th" I said.
"THIRTEENTH?
"30th"
"THE TENTH?"
I gave up. Like the bank's gonna notice what date she puts on there anyway. Team ignorance scored another point.
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Right about that magical time of day when your legs are telling you for the first time that they'd rrrreeeeaaallllyyy like to sit down for just a bit I got a phone call.
"Drugmonkey?" came the voice on the other end. I instantly forgot about my legs. This voice was a dead ringer for an ex. An ex I had not parted ways with amicably. I had changed the locks on the front door when this relationship ended.
"How have you been? We haven't talked in awhile"
I began to accept the fact I was going to die soon.
"Ok....."
"Do you have any 75mg Effexor XR?" The tech at the corpro-pharmacy in the next town over who sounds exactly like my psycho ex-girlfriend said. You married people don't know what you're missing.
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"And how do you spell your last name ma'am?"
"G like in George......."
"G LIKE IN GIRL!!!" the woman's husband butted in.
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A woman bought 6 mechanical heel smoothers. Said she was giving them out as presents. I spent the rest of the day wondering what the occasion could possibly be and drinking Diet Mountain Dew. Out of the pharmacy refrigerator.
A good day indeed.
