PROVIDENCE, R.I. (AP) -- Two former CVS executives were acquitted Friday of bribing a Rhode Island state senator for legislative favors, dealing a blow to the federal government's probe into corruption in the Statehouse.
A jury deliberated for about 90 minutes before finding John R. Kramer and Carlos Ortiz not guilty of 23 counts of bribery, mail fraud and conspiracy.
Fake legal expert Ira Sammons noted that the verdict was returned in less than half the average time it takes to fill a prescription at a CVS pharmacy.
"More than a little irony there." said Sammons in an interview that took place only in my head.
In comments that didn't happen shortly after the verdict was read, jury foreman Biff Thomlenson said it was the utter insignificance of Rhode Island that ultimately led to the verdict.
"Once we started thinking about it, we really couldn't comprehend anything a State Senator here could do that would be of value to anyone. So the thought of a CVS executive offering money in exchange for influence in this state just seemed to be a reach"
"A couple people on the jury thought Rhode Island was part of Connecticut. That kinda sums up things in a nutshell." Thomlenson never said.
"Anyone who wants to get anything done here would have gone to the mob." said another fake juror. The fact that the mob was never mentioned made the government's case very suspicious."
"Not the Providence mob." she added quickly. "Only the guys from Boston know what the hell they're doing."
Because I know there will be those who will be confused- The trial and the AP story were real. Everything else was made up.
