Because we all know what it would have been like had it not been for those brave souls who put their ass on the line by signing the Declaration of Independence 232 years ago. Without them, this country would almost assuredly look a lot like Canada. Or Australia. Maybe even New Zealand. Or worse yet, we still might be suffering under the direct tyrannical rule of Queen Elizabeth II. Great going there Founding Fathers. What you did was really important. For some reason.
So by all means, this July 4th celebrate the fact we're not energy independent, health care providing Canada with your peculiar holiday rituals. The searing of flesh on a barbecue. I always found that to be an ironically appropriate way to mark the birth of this nation. And your explosions of gunpowder into the night sky. Once when I was a kid I saw a 'Nam vet flip out when the lights went down and the thunder of the fireworks started. Only years later did I realize that's pretty much everything July 4th is about right there. He knocked over a lady in a wheelchair trying to get the hell away.
My employer though, fails to see the significance of this day, and I shall be trudging into the store as usual. However, there is still some question at this point as to whether I am going to have any tech help. Mark my words. If I am forced to face the drunken slobs and their red, white, and blue foam truckers hats alone, I shall have my revenge both on my employer and on this country. In such a case, I plan to offer my services to her majesty the Queen and become an agent of the British Empire. From what I have seen of the Austin Powers movies, such a life of hilarious hijinx will be quite the welcome relief from the drudgery of the pill room.
Enjoy your goddamn fireworks. Be careful of the PTSD stricken. God save the Queen.
