The day always starts with the checking of the voicemail. First message of the day; "Um.....hello?.......hello? The voice was soft and pleading, seeking help, or maybe just human companionship, at 2:34 in the morning, which was when the time stamp told me this person had connected with the machine. "Hello?".....a little softer this time. The person was giving up. Then a little click. The machine had won.
The next voicemail, in its entirety; "What kind of message should I leave?" Well my dear customer, the answer to that question is really constrained only by the limits of your imagination. The day's weather forecast might be nice, or maybe some news headlines, just in case I woke up late and missed this information on my way into the store. Or maybe you could go a little avant-garde, that would be cool. I once had someone play Spinal Tap's "Sex Farm" into the voicemail machine. So far I think that's been the coolest voicemail I've ever received, but I'm sure with a little inspiration dear customer, you can top it.
11 hours and 50 minutes to go.
First customer of the day had an urgent complaint. The kind that had to go to a person of authority. Since I'm basically Sulu sitting in the captain's chair when Kirk, Spock, and the guy you've never seen before who will be shortly killed are away from the Enterprise, the task fell to me:
"My wife's been getting loads of free stuff here, cartloads, and I need it to stop. We've been divorced 42 years and I'm tired of her using my good name."
I could almost identify the brand of gin on his breath. At first I thought Bombay Sapphire, but that was probably just because I wanted some Bombay Sapphire so badly at the moment. After more objective sniffing, I was sure it was the cheap Seagrams.
"I'll take care of it." I assured the man I was insanely jealous of for being able to get away with being drunk at 9:30 in the morning. And that was that. Being Sulu isn't so hard sometimes.
11 hours 30 minutes to go.
A customer spent a good 5 minutes trying to convince me the house brand Tylenol PM and brand-name Excedrin were the same thing. He was arguing like his life depended on it. I wondered why he was so desperate, and I actually kept the conversation going longer than I normally would have just to see if I could find some reason why this was such a vital issue to him. I never did, so I finally ended it with a "well they are both pain relievers, but this one will make you drowsy."
That got me a death glare from the desperate customer. He had failed in his mission to bring me over to his point of view.
Customer call: "Yeah.....I need my Septra refilled.....I'll spell it for you....o-m-e-p-r-a-z-o-l-e."
For those of you not in the profession, Septra is an antibiotic. Omeprazole is used to treat acid reflux in the stomach.
Doctor call: Yeah I'm phoning in a new prescription.....blah blah blah.......
Me: OK, just this time or do you want additional refills?
"Additional refills" Then a dead silence. I let the silence go on for awhile to see if it would sink in.
"Any particular number of additional refills?"
I'd never had a doctor call me an asshole before. I was feeling a little unprofessional about my snarkiness until he did that.
Doctor call Number 2: "Yeah.....um.....Mr. Smith needs a refill of his Lipitor and the doctor OK'd it. Can you get that faxed over?"
Me: "You just said he OK'd it"
Nurse Dumbass: "So you'll send the fax?"
Me: "Uh, no, you just told me he OK'd it. How many times?"
Nurse Dumbass: "What?"
Me: And what was your name?
"Nurse Dumbass"
It went in as OK'd per Nurse Dumbass 1 time. No fax was ever sent.
6 hours to go.
A person called 3 times within 15 minutes to see if we had 180 tablets of Oxycontin 10 milligram. "The orange ones" It was very important they be orange. When you start getting calls like that on a Friday my friends, you don't need access to a window, you know the sun has just gone down.
Dusk was confirmed by the next call. "Yeah, I want some Viagra, but I don't have a prescription. What should I do?"
Let the Friday night begin.
A customer asked me if the KY jelly could be found with the shaving cream. I so wanted to know what connection was being made in the customers mind between KY jelly and shaving cream, but I was interrupted by someone who asked where the diabetic candy was.
I hate diabetics. The fact you think you're entitled to candy no matter your health condition is a big reason why you're in the position you're in fatass. Now I'll never know the mystery of the KY jelly shaving cream. Thanks for that.
My last customer was in a jam. He had left his Lexapro on the other side of the country and wanted to know if I might be able to fill it here. Easy enough when you work for a big-ass chain with a shared database. The customer was very grateful for this. "My wife was ready to overnight them to me" He said as I rang out his purchase. Meaning his wife was on the other side of the country. The man also refilled his Cialis and bought some condoms.
So ended the Friday. For me. Although I'm sure the festivities continued all around town as I slept.
