TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA (Drugmonkey News Service)- At a noontime press conference today, researchers at The University of Alabama released the results of a new study that, for the first time, shows 100 percent of the world's population is completely, unambiguously, and incurably stupid. The results sent shock waves through the international psychological community, as dumbfounded researchers scrambled to redefine accepted definitions of intelligence.
"Traditionally, we have worked off of what is called the 'percentile' model," lead researcher Dr. Beverly Thorn didn't say about the study that doesn't actually exist but you know easily could. "Meaning that we always assumed that 50% of the population was of below average intelligence, and 50% was above. It was truly startling to find that each and every human being on this planet has an intellectual capacity below that of sandstone."
"We're not really sure how that is possible," she didn't add. "This science stuff is really hard."
The biggest surprise in the report was the finding that you, too, are dumber than a three toed sloth. Your chronic inability to figure the correct tip at restaurants was the scientist's first clue to your idiocy. However, it was the time you once drove the wrong way into a narrow big-city alley and had to pay a homeless man to stop traffic so you could back out without killing yourself that definitively showed that for your own safety, you should always be kept away from open flames.
Outside experts were initially skeptical of the findings, with some pointing out that Alabama has long been known as the world capital of dullards, periodic challenges from West Virginia notwithstanding. "At first we thought those hicks were probably just looking around town and reporting what they saw," fictitious Oxford University professor Dr. Alvin Sturges said. "But analysis of the data shows that it's a wonder that any person can manage to cross the street, no matter if the intersection is in London, Buenos Aries, New York City, or an unpaved path in rural Botswana."
"It does offer insight into my first two marriages though, and gets us tantalizingly close to a unified theory of Kim Kardashian"
After presenting her findings, Dr. Thorn asked for questions from the assembled journalists. Receiving none, she left through an emergency exit, setting off a fire alarm that resulted in a three car accident when a motorist ignored the sirens of the responding ambulance.
